This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
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[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
So sick of all these stupid rules
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok