cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Weirdly Wednesday.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?