Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.