Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
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i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.