2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
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My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My Plans 2020
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
These are too funny not to post 😂
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…