Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
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I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
how to exercise your calf muscles
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.