[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Not today
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.