Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
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*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️