Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Me :
All Day At Night
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
For the baby who has everything
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?