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Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday