Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
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*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands