if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!