I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Fiction has to make sense.
Cool shirt 🙂
Maths meets science
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
want me to check your oil?
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.