According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
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6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.