UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*