[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
You Might Also Like
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
mumsnet is amazing
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.