“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
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Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
opening twitter today
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
same vibe as tangled headphones
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.