Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
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Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids