Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
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HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday