Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
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Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Mhm.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Good morning, Twitter x
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy