i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Mouse
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*