has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?