spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.