Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
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I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines