My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
every. time.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”