I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Somebody call the cops.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Cha-ching is my safe word
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?