90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
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me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Does beer think about me too?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Succinctly put.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up