MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
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i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
this is uni
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
hi why am I like this
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire