I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
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ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Day 2 of my diet
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.