My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.