Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one