[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
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Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
thanks auntie mary
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
When someone says you are so lazy