Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient