Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
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Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*