If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
(Gaming support cat.)
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Time heals everything 🙂
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic