Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
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I have obtained a hat
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I need a headline like this
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I’d love this…lol
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
When you kidnap a writer.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.