Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
handsome & gretel
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!