Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
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People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Finally
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.