Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*