I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.