Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
When the stylist spins you back around
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.