You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
bad
worse
worst
worchester
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
That was easy.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?