[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.