Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
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[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Sorry not sorry.