{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
You Might Also Like
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
for all #parents out there
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham