Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
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Roses are red, you always mattered,
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Lmao
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
my favorite genre of twitter
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
first you must answer his riddles
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.