Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
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That was easy.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
is this meant to deter me
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.