realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
You Might Also Like
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.