Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
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Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
new shirt idea
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy