Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”